Valentine’s Day Emotion

 Valentines Day is always an interesting day because we are either supposed to be happy or sad depending on whether we are in a relationship or not.  As someone who has never been in a relationship on Valentine’s day, it generally doesn’t bother me, but I’d be lying if I said I was completely immune to it.  Like any person out there it begs the question.  Why am I alone?  Does no one want me?  Am I good enough?  As a survivor of sexual abuse these are not new questions to me.  This is a part of my daily routine, sometimes so faded in the background I barely notice them and sometimes so vivid I feel like I’m choking on the emotion.  So, does Valentine’s Day make those emotions any different than normal?

As a survivor I have struggled my entire life with the idea, the concept of self-value.  How do I value myself and what does that look like?  It’s taken me years to figure that out and it’s an ongoing process.  For years I didn’t believe I was good enough which was why I succeeded to the nines.  If I could just get that time, just reach that goal, just have one more accomplishment then maybe I would be good enough, maybe I’d fit in.  Maybe just maybe someone would love me.  Sadly, like most fairy talesI learned the hard way that that isn’t how love or life works.  You cannot buy love, and no amount of accomplishments is going to earn someone else’s love or more importantly your own.

As a woman of now 36 most days I feel pretty good.  I can honestly say that I do love and value myself.  But I still have doubts.  Just because I think I’m awesome how do I know someone else will?  Clearly if I made it this far and I’m still single I must be doing something wrong, right?  How can I trust that things will just “work out” like we are taught from Disney movies as kids?  I hate to say it, but I kinda learned as a kid a long time ago…(ummm yeah survivor here…) that life isn’t always a picnic and sometimes bad things happen to good people.  What if it’s me again?  What if I never actually get the one thing, I want which is to have someone love me?  Does that mean I have less value?

The fact of the matter is no it doesn’t.  And I know this, I do.  Any good student of psychology and any good student of therapy (yes, I’ve had a lot!) knows that their value is not tied up with another person.  I know this better than anyone.  I know that just because I was abused it does not define me.  My abuser holds no more power over me than I hold over the weather.  I know I can overcome anything; I’ve done it.  I know I can accomplish anything I want to.  I also know that many people love me.  My friends, my family.  I have an amazing amazing support network.  I never ever want to discount those people.  My people.  They are amazing.  They have loved me and put me back together again more times than I can count (I always imagine humpty dumpty here). But……big but here, I still feel lonely.  I still want that special head over heels romantic kind of love.  And I believe it’s out there.  I do.  But yes, I have doubts, yes, I cry, yes I want to scream and yell and curse the world and say “where is he?”  I worry all the time that I’m never going to find him or have the kind of love I have always wanted.  And in the darkest parts of my mind I worry that maybe I don’t deserve it or maybe I’m not good enough.

So…if you are feeling a little lonely on this Valentines Day, if it is bringing up some unwanted emotions, if it just feels like any other day and this is your normal, that’s ok.  You are not alone.  Even at our most healed we have doubts and fears and worries.  Despite it all, I know he’s out there and I do know that I am good enough and I know that eventually I’ll find him.  More importantly I know you too are good enough and that no matter where you are in this journey of healing, you are not alone, you have value.